Nick's Journal

This will be my last entry in this journal.


ahahahahahaha. how dramatic did that sound!?
Sorry I haven't updated in a while. It's been crazy busy. But now frosh week is over, and it's finally hitting me that i'm not at camp and this is my new home. I had my first class today. It wasn't brutal or anything. I feel like Simonetti prepared me well enough for University philosophy.
Frosh week was so amazing and so much fun. I met so many people and made so many friends. It's rly great, but it sucks at the same time. meh.
The homesickness is starting to settle as well. I just have a really empty feeling in my chest. where my home and my family and my friends used to be. I am coming home on Friday tho. I'm looking forward to that.
I bought two books today...196$.  i threw up in my mouth.  it was disgusting.
I don't know what else to write... I feel like there should be so much to update on but there isn't that much. Im not writing about my whole frosh week cause i'd be writing a novel.
I'm sorry to everyone i've kinda lost touch with. Like I said before, it';s been crazy busy and i haven't had much time to sit at my computer. I know that I have to talk to a lot of you about a lot of stuff. Just give me some time. I'm sorting all of my shit out.
This really will be my last entry here though. I've been writing in here for most of my highschool years. And that part of my life is over. So I will be closing this journal and starting a new one sometime soon.
here's some lyrics for yall...

i love & miss you all!

Home For A Rest
You'll have to excuse me, I'm not at my best
I've been gone for a month, I've been drunk since I left
These so-called vacations will soon be my death
I'm so sick from the drink I need home for a rest.

We arrived in December and London was cold
We stayed in the bars along Charing Cross Road
We never saw nothin' but brass taps and oak
Kept a shine on the bar with the sleeves of our coats

CHORUS:
You'll have to excuse me, I'm not at my best
I've been gone for a week
I've been drunk since I left
And these so-called vacations
Will soon be my death
I'm so sick from the drink
I need home for a rest
Take me home....

Euston Station the train journey North
In the buffet car we lurched back and forth
Past old crooked dykes through Yorkshire's green fields
We were flung into dance as the train jigged and reeled

- CHORUS -

By the light of the moon, she'd drift through the streets
A rare old perfume, so seductive and sweet
She'd tease us and flirt, as the pubs all closed down
Then walk us on home and deny us a round

You'll have to excuse me, I'm not at my best
I've been gone for a month
I've been drunk since I left
And these so-called vacations
Will soon be my death
I'm so sick from the drink
I need home for a rest
Take me home....

The gas heater's empty, it's damp as a tomb
The spirits we drank now ghosts in the room
I'm knackered again, come on sleep take me soon
And don't lift up my head 'till the the twelve bells at noon

You'll have to excuse me, I'm not at my best
I've been gone for a month
I've been drunk since I left
And these so-called vacations
Will soon be my death
I'm so sick from the drink
I need home for a rest
Take me home....

hey guys,

Well, i'd make a real entry.. but you would just be reading about everything i've posted all summer.  it's getting kind of repetitive.  sorry.   it's just the same thoughts going through my mind and me not doing anything about them.   actually, that's not completely true. I tried working stuff out with some people...  they're just not ready to work it out yet.     So i started playing the waiting game. it's quite fun.  All you have to do is sit... and wait. and wait. and wait. and wait. and wait...until it's august 26th and you realise that you can't wait anymore cause i'm moving away probably for good. 
This is another thought that excites me beyond belief.  This is the last month that I'm living at home.  I'm glad i'm not one of those people who live with their rents until they're like 30...   its a scary thought: being out of the house at 18 and being completely (almost) independent.   but i'm ready for it. 
meh, that's about it.   i wanted to quote some Yellowcard..  but someone has already beat me to it.. like a million times

" 'But that means he and his wife will die, won't they?'
Dumbledore smiled at the look of amazement on Harry's face.
'To one as young as you, I'm sure it seems incredible, but to Nicolas and Perenelle, it really is like going to bed after a very, very long day. After all, to the well-organised mind, death is but the next great adventure. You know, the Stone was really not such a wonderful thing. As much money and life as you could want! The two things most human beings would choose above all -- the trouble is, humans have a knack of choosing precisely those things which are worst for them.' "

A couple of my favourite Dumbledore quotes (out of a million of them =/).

Life?      Don't talk to me. 

Full review of the Deathly Hallows coming soon. My dad has my copy of the book and it's hard for me to write a review without the main source of reference. Just know this before my detailed entry: i loved it. 

So.. Happy Monday. Lots of news.

I love my family, Seguin side that is.  My cousin's wedding was friday, and it was nothing short of amazing. I got to spend some quality time with the people i love the most: bartenders that were tending the open bar.  Oh ya, and my cousins/aunt and uncles/grandparents. Anywho, more on the wedding (+the ups and downs) later. My journey starts Thursday, i believe it was the day after my last super depressing entry (i get even more depressed than i was at the time i wrote them when i read them over again).

We left Thursday morning. The "we" is my dad, brother and myself. I got to drive on the 401 again and we made it to waterloo (i think thats where we went) in like 2 hours. great time. no traffic.  Anyways, thursday was slow cause we watched my sister's volleyball tournament all day. Now, I know what you are all thinking: "But Nick, how could you have not liked watching hundreds of girls from around the province in tight spandex jumping up and down? And knowing you, you probably hooked up with half of them!"   Now, there are probably some things I should clear up for you guys: 1) those girls were huge..  like, they could break my neck with one of their thighs.. not fat, muscular.  and 2) i AM good looking, i have to admit it, but, and i know it's hard to believe, im fairly shy, and i dont come out of my shell...sexually...unless i'm really drunk. or it's with someone i actually feel something for.  i cant just pick a random girl, and say, "get on your knees bitch". Anyways, after the volleyball tournament, we drove the extra hour to the hotel which was about a quarter of an hour away from where the wedding would be the following day. There we met up with a couple of my cousins and their dad. 2 + the dad had to go to the rehearsal dinner and the third hung out with us since he wasn't standing up in the wedding. He (the extra cousin) got really drunk, mostly at Boston Pizza, where my dad also had one two many beers. However, my dad didn't make it as obvious as my cousin who later that night fell in the bathtub and couldn't find the lights to the bathroom. 

The next day, was the long-awaited wedding..  for the ones getting married. I woulda been fine not attending. The actual wedding was disgustingly cheesy and cliche.  I can't wait for mine =).  It was outside and the minister was histerical. My cousin wouldn't stop crying. Her fiance.. now husband.. cried too, and made really funny faces when he did. Now, the reception. Here, I mostly hung out with cousins ranging from my sister's age to a couple years older than me.  Me + a couple older ones were providing drinks for the younger ones. I was I.Ded once and he gave me the drink anyways. So, there were some pretty drunk Seguins. And I don't think any of you know the Seguins.. I think Courtney is the only one who's got only a glimpse of the real Seguins. But even then, she hasn't seen the whole thing. The point i'm getting at is.. we are nuts. My three uncles + dad stood up in the middle of the room and sang "skinny-ma-rinky-dinky-doo" to get the bride and groom to kiss. My Aunt Renee got up on stage and played a blow-up guitar for a whole 5 minutes just to win a plastic crown and the title " [Insert city name here] Idol". The speeches were long, and mostly boring. The cousin mentioned above (drunk @ Boston Pizza) again got super smashed. I was pretty drunk.  I think my sister was feeling it.. I won't name all the names. Just the real young ones + another weren't drunk. So we were dancing maniacs. It was like prom only multiplied by a thousand cause there was alcohol in our systems. We danced around my 80 year old grandma and the bride, who can't remember my name...which brings me to the low point of my evening: She didn't even recognise or remember me. Her cousin. Depressing. More on my sweet/depressing family later. 

So Friday night, went to bed really late.. or early, depends on how you want to look at it.  Next morning was an early rise cause i had to work at 3. So we got home, in record time again, by 1 and i had time to watch an episode of Scrubs and then buy the next HP book before going to work. The next couple of days are a bit blurry.  I think i saw Sante and Kaila..   even Ste.  Most of them were spent locked in my room however, with my nose in the 600 page ecstacy that was Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Now, I will give a full book review on that later, just know, that it was absolutely breathtaking. And now that it's over, I'm really sad. It's pathetic and sad but i've been reading these books for a good 10 years (not minutes, haha), and i got really emotionally attached to the characters. I felt like they were actually my friends. And now I won't know any more about them..  It's sad for me.  I won't talk about anymore here though considering most people haven't finished yet. The True fans, however, finished long ago ;).

Back to my family. The fact that my cousin didn't remember my name, or face really bothered me. But it wasn't just me. She ignored most of us younger cousins. Although, she remembered most names. No, I was never close with her, and I don't remember ever carrying on a full conversation with her, but it she should at least know I exist, shouldn't she? I mean, we are blood related. We are family. Maybe not that close, but family is family. I could name every one of my cousins and associate the names with faces. And I see the rest of the family just as much as her (which is not often by the way). It just really bothered me how ignorant she was to her side of the family. I mean, we kinda felt betrayed. Betrayed may be a bit of a strong word, but it best describes the feeling. It's like she forgot about us. And then my cousin (drunk @ Boston Pizza cousin) bugged me even more. He's the bride's brother. He was late for the wedding. They had to delay it for him to get there. He knew nothing of his sister or her now husband. He was drunk whenever I saw him. He constantly moves from city to city. He smokes pot... a lot of it. He works a shitty job. There was even a time when he lived on the streets and he had to sneak into his mom's house after she went to bed to eat because he couldn't afford food. He smokes a hell of a lot of cigarettes. I feel like I should mention that his parents are divorced but that's just a horrible excuse for his life going down the shitter. My parents are divorced and I'm doing just fine. So are most of my friends/cousins who are in the same situation.  It gets rough at times but we all made it through. How could he have let his life go that far down the drain? Maybe he's just weaker than everyone else? That's bullshit.  I truly believe that everyone has the same amount of potential. You just have to want it. Anyone can do whatever they want...you just have to really want it.  Maybe he lost sight of that. And I think what scares me even more is that he's dragging his two younger siblings down with him. His sister, same age as me, has to stay back a year cause she didn't have enough credits to graduate from highschool, and she's a regular pot-smoker. His brother, a year older than my brother, is also a regular pot smoker.  In grade nine, he became a pothead. It makes me really sad.

Well folks, take er easy. I think i've written enough for one night. I haven't even let out all of my thoughts.  but i still need to mourn the end of the HP series.  plus, i have to finalise some plans for tomorrow.   

peace and love

" I'm staring out into the night, trying to hide the pain. I'm going to the place where love and feeling good don't ever cost a thing. And the pain that you feel is a different kind of pain."

Makes me wonder, is there such a place?   

Wow Nick, twice in a day you've updated? Pretty pathetic.
Meh, im over it.  

T minus 44 days.

I think the hardest thing to do with a friendship that's in trouble is to just let it go. But the easiest thing to do is to just bitch about it until it magically fixes itself...

Everyone take a guess at which path im taking.

I planned on writing something deep and meaningful but truth be told, I've got nothing. I don't even know what to say anymore. I do know that if I tried to write something deep and meaningful it would turn out long and depressing.  cause that's what my life's been.   

well, i'll see yall at the party tonight.  

oh no, wait, i won't cause you're busy trying to forget me. 

Isn't it messed up how I'm just dying to be him?

It's funny how my situation had some light shed on it by someone who i never knew could shine.   Almost blinded me.   And I know i have to follow his/their advice, I just don't want to.  It's time to muster up the courage and just do it.     give me a couple of weeks. 

I hate how some people that I live with will leave the mustard and sub sauce on the table instead of putting them back in the fridge when only two feet separate the table from the fridge.  It baffles my mind.  I live with some lazy people.

Wonderland yesterday was sweet.  although, lack of sleep gave me a headache which lead to nausea shortly after lunch.    i didnt do all the rides.  it was a bummer.  oh well..

now, the mother is landing in windsor and i must be at the airport to pick her up.   and then tomorrow, is the party that will be one hell of a good time.  

see yall

I think talking doesn't solve anything.
In some cases, it can just make things worse and people angrier. 
1. I dont feel like we got anywhere in our talk. We just danced around the fact that I feel a certain way and you don't know what to do about it. 
2. you can't pretend nothing ever happened. and the way that you tried just made me..  really angry.  im sry..  it happened.  

i feel so disgusting right now in so many ways. I'm really tired. My emotions are everywhere. I hate how one person can make me feel like this. It's so pathetic on my part. ugh...  i'm going to bed.

"Girls like guys to be a challenge. It gives them some mold to fit in how they act. Like a mom. What would a mom do if she couldn't fuss over you and make you clean your room? And what would you do without her fussing and making you do it? Everyone needs a mom. And a mom knows this. And it gives her a sense of purpose. You get it? The thing is some girls think thet can actually change guys. And what's funny is that if they actually did change them, they'd get bored. They'd have no challenge left. You just have to give girls some time to think of a new way of doing things, that's all. Some of them will figure it out here. Some later. Some never. I wouldn't worry about it too much."

I think my new thing is posting quotes from books and movies that rly make me think and laugh.

"I wish the world were like this, if I just woke up and marked food I'd be eating and it came to me later in the day. I suppose it is like that, except you have to pay for whatever you want to eat, so maybe what I'm asking for is communism, but I think it's actually deeper than communism- I'm asking for simplicity, for purity and ease of choice and no pressure. I'm asking for something that no politics is going to provide, something that probably you only get in preschool. I'm asking for preschool."

I like this guy's train of thought. Not only is it kind of true, it's also really funny. 

I suppose i should tell you about my summer thus far?   Not much to tell.    it's been nothing short of amazing. actually, it's been a little short of amazing.  the fireworks were a great start.   being with the people i love and deeply care for.  it was great.  I kinda felt like Charlie (only dan will get that =/). 
Just sitting around and doing nothing with my best friends is just...  amazing. lol, i cant think of another word.  There is one thing missing tho. Less of a thing and more of a person. I had half a mind to ask him to come to guys night tomorrow but..   i just had this feeling that it would make more than one person angry. 
I do have some drunken regrets. I should start following these lyrics:

       And still this emptiness persists
         Perhaps this is as good as it gets
             When you give up the drinks and those nasty cigarettes
                  You leave the party early, but at least with no regrets
                       I watch the sun as it comes up, I watch it as it sets
                             Yeah, this is as good as it gets

What else?  My emotional state has been getting better..  slowly but surely.  She keeps calling me. I think she's angry that I'm not going camping. Which puzzles me. A lot of the things she says/does..   and the way she acts and whatnot puzzles me.  I don't get her at all.  Sigh...
And her #2 still won't talk to me.  It's sad cause I was really looking forward to spending a lot of my summer with her.  It's very unfortunate. 

This week I have a party on monday which im slightly excited for..   slightly means pretty.  but, i may just start following those lyrics from above and cut down on the drinking.  I mean, our conversation was good kaila, but I'm glad that it happened with you and i can't guarantee that won't happen monday =/.   I'm not gonna know a lot of people there, and that worries me, so i don't want to go telling them all about myself and what not.  It will be fun tho.  Also this week I have to go to Toronto to pick my classes. This, I'm super pumped for because the whole university thing is just getting more and more real and I can't wait for it to start.

I started reading again. And I think that that's what's making me feel a little better about myself and everything else going on in my life. The book I'm reading right now, It's Kind Of A Funny Story, is about this kid, 15 years old, who completely crumbles under the pressure of school and everything that he gets srsly depressed, and tries to kill himself. Well, he';s about to kill himself, and then he checks himself into the hospital and spends a week in the "mental ward". He meets all of these people who are fucked up and kind of fixes himself. It's hard to explain but it's really good. 

I also want to start writing again. I used to always write everything. Short stories. Poems. Screenplays. Songs. Plays. I read over some old short stories the other day and thought of so many ways to improve them. So I think i'm gonna start that up again. I miss it. Another reason why I have probably felt like such shit the past couple of months. 

Anyways, that's it for now.   I have three newly downloaded movies that i plan on watching in the next week: Sicko, Fracture, and The Invisible.    exciting.


Peace and love

Nick

tonight was... amazing.     just standing there with my two best friends watching the sky light up.   it was a great way to start the summer.   with a big bang.  haha, i made a funny.       anyways, im dead tired.    

grad tomorrow...   im indifferent about this.  i could do without the whole shabang.
grad party tomorrow.. this im rly excited and happy about.    i plan on having a fun time with all of my former classmates one last time. 

gnite everyone

"It's the sense of touch. In any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people, people bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. We're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something."

Such a good movie

When I was a kid, i used to be a wrestling fanatic. I used to love everything that had to do with WWF.. or WWE.. or whatever they're calling it these days.  anyways, i haven't watched it in like 4-5 years. I woke up this morning and found the Windsor Star on the kitchen table. On the front page, there was a picture of Chris Benoit, a canadian wrestler and he used to be one of my favourites, and Eddi Francis was in the background smiling. Benoit had a championship belt over his shoulder and was smiling. He was at silvercity promoting Wrestlemania 23. This was in February. Anyways, back to the newspaper article. I saw that picture and was curious as to what one of my ex-idols was doing on the front page of my local newspaper. I found the title of the article and it read the following: "Wrestling hero, family mourned; Cops probe deaths". So i continued to read the actual article. He was supposed to show up for a wresting show and never did, so the Chairman of WWE sent the cops to his house to check out if everything was okay. All the doors were locked, and when the cops got inside, they found him, his wife, and his seven-year-old son all dead. There were no gunshot wounds or anything. They were just all dead. The doors were locked. The cops think it was a murder-suicide.
I don't know why this all bothered me so much. I dunno if it was because one of my former-idols is now dead. Or the fact that one of those three people probably killed their family members and then themselves. And one of them was a seven-year-old kid. Maybe i'm extremely naive, but i have a hard time believing one of those ppl would go on a killin rampage like that..  A succesful superstar, completely loaded, seemingly happy from the photograph in the paper.. but I guess you never know with people cause those smiles can always be fake.  You never know what's going on in a person's mind. And that really scares me.

Anyways, me emotional state hasn't changed much lately. I don't know if I'm more angry with people for how they take news or with myself for how I give news and how I feel. There are just so many things I want to change right now but it's so out of my reach. And that hurts more than anything. Just letting go of those things. I read a really really really really good book recently. It's called The Perks of Being A Wallflower (kaila, I think you'd really like this one). It's about a boy going into highschool. And it's about growing up and being okay with yourself and who you are. It was really good and made me think about a lot of things. I suggest that everyone who reads my journal read it.

That's all for now.     big post coming soon (after grad sometime) about my highschool life...   i may just put if off forever tho cause i really am gonna miss that french building.   

peace and love

im putting off my end of the year entry...

i guess it's just cause i dont want my year to end on such a shitty basis with so many people.   i really want to fix so many things.  

I'm in desperate need of a good journal update.   one that bitches about ppl that need bitching.   one that always makes you feel good after because you got it all off your chest, even if it is just posted on some silly journal on the interweb.....yep, im in need of a good private entry =).

school has been fucking hell lately.  I took off work yesterday to do my french project, and i actually got it done!  but now i have to do the really really gay stats project...   and then when that's done do another french project!   today was also the first day of exams in french class and they'll be going on probably for the rest of the year.   i have a chem test on friday, and a lab due tomorrow.  but cmon, let's be realistic.  i've only handed in one of the 4 or 5 labs this semester.  fuck, i have to do those too in the next two weeks.  oh ya, i also have to do the french diaporama that was due earlier this semester.

i could really use that me time that sante often takes.  

im pretty pumped for this year to be done.  i really have to get away from people.   the people that i will probably never talk to again after highschool.    the others?   well, it's gonna be hard leaving them at the end of the summer.   and it's for real now.  i've accepted the offer, i';ve applied for residence.  it's all happening. i'm scared as all shit.  but i think i need it.    a new place.  a new environment.  a new city.   new people.   a chance to start over. start fresh.   it's gonna feel good.  and what better way to do it than by studying something you love? damn, it's exciting. 

I think the only thing that's really keeping me going right now is my scrubs and my music. Say Anything is great.  and i really wish i was alive with the glory of love.  and then scrubs always puts me in a good moo.  im gonna have to buy season 4 soon.  it's one of the best ones.

That's all for now.........          i still have to make my private entry

oh, and this goes out to several people..there are too many to count these days :

I'm sorry

prom recap coming soon

I've never told a lie and that makes me a liar
I've never made a bet but we gamble with desire
I've never lit a match with intent to start a fire
But recently the flames have gotten out of control






Wow....this week is deffinitely up there on the list of shittiest weeks of all time.  
haven't written in here in a long time.

This is it.
december.
january.
february.
march.
april.
5 months.   and it all comes down to the next four days.    I guess you could say I'm nervous.         I dont have stage fright.   And I know my lines.  i just have a rly short attention span sometimes.   like today, during the dress rehearsal, i forgot to trip guillaume.   something that we rehearsed a million times before, and i forgot to do it.    my mind just started wandering and next thing i know, he's on the floor.   i was like, 'shit! i forgot!'   so that's my biggest fear.   But i'm gonna try my best to pay attention!   
 
It's gonna be good tho.   you guys are all rly gonna like it.

what else?   it feels like i havent talked to my friends in forever.   i feel so out of the loop.   and i made so many new friends in the play....actually just like 3 or 4.  but whatever, i still love them!  lol.   and we have a theme song that i made.   man....im gonna miss this thing when it's over. 

On a much, much darker note....my summer is gonna cost me a fortune...we have to find ways to cut corners!

soooooooo today sucked?
nothing like last night because of last night.
i was like a zombie at school today.    so damn tired.     
thx to dan for helping me with most of my essay.  its coming together nicely.
play practice was.....long.    and 3-8 tomorrow.  fuck.   so long.   and he's making us do the inner monologue again. FUCK!   i hate that shit. at least i remembered all of my lines today
im so emo right now because of my exhaustion.           listening to faber drive over and over again.

loved chem today.   best time ever.  hands down.    "Misunderstood Duck"......."boo boo kitty fuck".......i love random brousseau

Good evening..well, i guess its Good Morning since its past midnight?
ah well.
im in a damn good mood.    today. yesterday. wednesday! was a damn good day!
To start off, I handed in my 20 page long french project.   And that's just the weight of the world off your shoulders.   srsly, best feelin ever. 7 ppl handed it in.   out of 18.     and everyone was so shocked that we finished it..   i was like, "um..it WAS due today"...they were all like, "Wow, i cant believe you finished!"    whatever.
Next good thing that happened..spare.  i got to spend some time with my good bud as we won scratch ticket after scratch ticket!   im happy its back to normal (except for tuesday :S).
And then i got home, and i logged into my e-mail, and who do i have an e-mail from?  YORK FUCKING UNIVERSITY!   they're giving me a second chance.  I have to fill in the supplemental forms, write a 250 word essay, send in a portfolio, and get two letters of recommendation.    All for monday prolly.     im stoked.     i may not get accepted, im just glad im getting a real chance.
aaaaand then sante ellisa kaila and nicole came over.   denika and jessica joined us.   and then we all went to adams and went to Dirty's downtown for THE concert.    it was ... AMAZING.    the first local band, from Sandwhich, was kinda bad.  but they had a black bassist (so stereotypical), and a chinese guitarist (kinda cool but nerdy at the same time?), and some odd lyrics.  It's something that i would have to listen to like 100 times before i started liking it.  but it would grow on me eventually. Next, Faber Drive came on.     they were soooooooooooooo good.  they're stage presence was amazing and there was so much energy on stage.  i rly enjoyed it.  their cd is gonna be amazing.  Adam and I had a conversation with the bassist after too.    he was a real nice guy.  I guess they were going up to Toronto next for MOD and then some shows. I also got the lead singers guitar pick!  After Faber Drive finished their set with the single Second Chance, which was 10x better live, Marianas Trench came on and fucking rocked.     minus his random scream fits....      but ya, they had so much energy on stage and their sound was rly good live too.    the mics werent loud enough but thats not rly their fault.  they were pretty much what i expected.    so much fun.  so much energy.    thats a band thats gonna go big real soon and never come back to windsor.   so im glad i finally got a chance to see them before!
I think Nicole enjoyed her first (rock) concert! i had a damn good time.  the crowd loved me.   the girls were hitting on me.   i rly rly wanna be in a band right now (me and adam are starting to write some songs tomorrow).      i cant hear.   i cant talk.     perfect night.     


ps, im sorry.     i just dont know where i am right now.      i rly need time